Mellenkahlee
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Thursday, March 16, 2006
Stupid... everything... Zort from URL @ 2:43 AM It's ok. I'm fine. Honestly, I've never felt better in my entrire life. Honestly, I do. That's what I'd like to be able to say. However, I am currently about to cry. To weep uncontrollably, for 50 years in a maximum security prison without possiblity of console. It all started with a dream I had two nights ago. Two nights ago being... the night of the thirteenth. It was a year from now, and I was living in some crappy apartment in like, PA or something. I had the night off of work, so I stayed in. Only when I "fell asleep" on the couch, I woke up in the 7-11 that was my employment. I was high, or drunk, or something, but not of my own free will. So when I obviously was of no use and the store had closed, my coworker (played by my Real life co-worker Joe Brunetto) decided to take me home, (WARNING: INCONSISTANCY WITH RL!) Only he took me to this meeting first. You know, to help me sober up or something. But it turned out to be a meeting for a program much like the one im looking for, (in real life) and my older sister, and Jenise were part of it. Mucho blurry dreaming untill like, 5-10 years had passed, and I reclaimed rememberance of my dream. I was still in that program, and even though I would most-likely not be interested in a long term relationship right now in RL, I was actively persuing Jen. I'm not sure why, or for what reason, or even for what circumstance (get the hint?) I would have felt this was a smart thing to do, but I was an adult. I was a grown up and it was my choice. Ok that is a lie as well. Have you ever dreamt that you were very very very attached to something you were not quite as attached to in RL? Well I was very much so that way with Jen. In fact I was crazy about her. So much so that in the very pit of my stomach, I felt like if she were to ever frown at me I'd become dehydrated from crying, not before I died from the sheer agony of it. I was a man obsessed. So eventually she finds this out after we have a fight. I was so emotionally distraught I thought I was dying. Only she smiled and said "ten percent of master's and we're engaged." This puzzled me to say the least. I was absoloutly bamboozled. I had just had my heart ripped out by her A: yelling at me for being selfish, and B: taking my notebook and finding what I had spilled on paper. Now she was talking about getting engaged (even if she had stated it in a way that nobody should EVER understand). So I was ecstatic, bursting with joy, tra-la-la. Now she was part of this dance ministry thingie, and right after the fight she had to go dance. So I went back to my room... the dream gets fuzzy again... About a month later the whole group is gathered around, and she's doing the dance thing. We have a talk, and I realize that shes holding something back. I ask what it is, and eventually she tells me that she cant leave Master's. Not that she won't but that she just plain can't. Like, this is now her life. And I kinda get confused, utill I realize what she's saying is that she doesnt want to get married, either. I throw everything she said back in her face, tear up some paper (which was supposed to be something important, only I cant remember what it was) and tell her (yell at her) that she cant have children and be a mommy like shes always talking about if she doesnt have a husband. Then she realizes that she must not really want kids that much, but that she just wants to be a mommy, and that the feeling will eventually go away, and that it was just a phase, and what she's really meant to do is to is dance for master's commission. (WARNING! TIMO FLIPS OUT ROYALLY). I lost it. I was screaming, yelling, threatening her, screaming, crying, screaming, did I mention screaming? It was ugly. Then after some chain of events including (not in any particular order) praying, talking with Jen, talking with my family, talking with the program thingy, and crying, I decided (realized, was told... something like that) that what I was going to tell this story, my life, to people as a testimony. As a living. In the program thingy. >,< style="font-style: italic;">great. Not because I had just made self realization happen in my dream, but that that whole horrible mess with Jen wasn't REAL. It was over, in fact, it had never began! I was on top of the world. Until last night at becca's house. It hit me again. The fact that Jen actually does exist, and although it hadn't actually been her in the dream, I did have some regret of how the dream had gone. She really WAS in Michigan, and I couldn't pretend that she didnt exist anymore, like I had been doing since she left. Every now and then she calls, and we talk, and it's all hunky-dory, but after we talk, I pretend she doesnt exist, and I stop thinking about her entirely. On purpose. I know it's mean but it makes life easier. Every now and then, I remember that shes real, and it hurts a little. It hurts that shes not here, it hurts that shes not even in NY. It hurts that We dont' have the friendship that we used to, and It hurts that we aren't something more. Everything I've ever said to her comes rushing back, whether or not I was feeling like that before, It comes back. Only since the dream these little bouts of utter sadness haven't gone away. I'm sad mostly just because I can't just turn to my left and talk to her. But part of me hurts because that dream didnt go the way I thought it would, and well... I'm in the worst place emotionally than I have been in a very very long time. This was REALLY hard to write, and I assure you I'll try to push it all down into my psyche and bottle it up like i've been doing, But I just had to vent. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
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