Mellenkahlee
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Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Ephisians 4:30-33 Zort from URL @ 5:56 PM 30 Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. If he can forget, and forgive... so can I. My name is righteousness in Christ Jesus. He does make all new... sorry. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Zort from URL @ 4:41 AM The follwing post was edited on June 16th, 2005- Edits in bold text and asterisks OK, uuum here goes . I've always hated myself, not always but for a very long time. And i tell everyone i hate myself just because i do. but theres a reason. And now something having to do with that one reason is tearing me up so bad on the inside I cant breathe right. i should be suportive but instead i'm full of, i dunno pain anger sadness, everthing not of God. And i shouldnt feel this way towards this person because i have the same stupid problem. instead of feeling like i'm not alone i feel disgusted. this person will hate me for being disgusted but i am and it makes me hurt and everthing is **** big lumps of flaming ****** ****! I've never hurt so bad. the same reason I hate myself with a passion is now part of this person whom i look up to. I feel like dying so bad that i want to take back everything i've ever said about NOT doing it. you know, the big IT that went away so long ago. the IT i was saved from by my friends that night at baker's house. OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAi feel like a ******** writing down the agonizing groans but what else aMI suposer to do? I can just say i hurt because i dont ust hurt, PART OF ME IS DYING. I tried calling jen about this because she always knows what to say and how to say it and i'm praying to God but i kept using these explitives as I prray and I hate myself more! This rewally might be the LAST post if i ever stop typing. i guess im hanging onto this keyboard for my life. If i let go i'm gooing to do it. I called and jen isnt picking up her cell and bsoitehothgiutI DONT KNOIW WHAT TO DO!i should take that big bottle rocket and light it in my mouth so that it blows my head off. the person is going to kill me for killing me over this but i cant help it I cant help it OR take it. I AHTE MY OWN GUTS for this reason and now they... i know that they... its the same. And I feel like my world is falling apart, like my life is peeling away from my soul. I'm dying LORD JESUS MAKE THE PAIN STOP. I NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING ,MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY HELP ME UNDERSTAND OR SOMETHING. i feel so.... evil. I feel like i'm satans puppet. but im human... im human and satans stupid little puppet. ITS 5AM and the birds are chirping.... i want to talk to jen... jenni helps... but jenni wont want to hear it. shell hate me more than I do.im watching everything die. everthing is brown and old. trees die, people die. my soul is going to die. the reason i continue to live hurt me. RUINED me.( i apoligize for the blasphamy here... not proud of it...)when my body dies my soul will NOT follow the lord, nor face his wrath, I'll simply CEASE to be. (end of blasphamy)i dont want to go to heaven without.... but i dont want to live right now either. I just want to have never been bornm. I'm done typing please PRAY FOR ME! ::!~ Trying to NOT TO KILL MY ******** ~!::
Zort from URL @ 1:59 AM Please remember me happily, by the rosebush laughing with bruises on my chin the time when we counted every black car passing your house beneath the hill and up until someone caught us in the kitchen with maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank, a vision to remove dimensions, but please remember me fondly. I heard from someone you’re still pretty and then they went on to say that the pearly gates had some eloquent graffiti like we’ll meet again and fuck the man and tell my mother not to worry and angels with their gray and shades but all is done in such a hurry and please remember me at Halloween making fools of all the neighbors our faces painted white by midnight we’d forgotten one another and when the morning came I was ashamed only now it seems so silly that seasons left the world and then returned and now you’re lit up by the city so please remember me mistakenly in the window of the tallest tower call and passes by but much to high to see the empty road at happy hour gleam and resonate just like the gates around the holy kingdom with words I’ve lost and found and don’t look down did someone save temptation and please remember me as in the dream we had as rug burn babies among the fallen trees and fast asleep beside the lions and the ladies that called you what you like and even mine give a gift for your behavior of lead and chance to see a trapeze swinger high as in a savior but please remember me, my misery and how it lost me all I wanted those dogs that loved the rain and chasing trains the colored birds above they’re running in circles round the well and where it smells on the wall behind St. Peter so bright on cinder gray and spray paint. who the hell can see forever? and please remember me soundly in the car behind the carnival my hand between your knees you turn from me said the trapeze act was wonderful but now were meant to last the clowns that passed saw me just come up with anger when it filled the circus dolls the parking lot had an element of danger so please remember me finally and all my uphill crawling my dear but if I make the pearly gates I’ll do my best to make a drawing of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl, an angel kissing on a sinner, a monkey and a man, a marching band all around a fractured trapeze swinger. I left the F-word in because the song is just so damn beautifull. Respect To Iron&wine (Sub Pop) ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
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