Mellenkahlee
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Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Immesureable pain Zort from URL @ 4:41 AM The follwing post was edited on June 16th, 2005- Edits in bold text and asterisks OK, uuum here goes . I've always hated myself, not always but for a very long time. And i tell everyone i hate myself just because i do. but theres a reason. And now something having to do with that one reason is tearing me up so bad on the inside I cant breathe right. i should be suportive but instead i'm full of, i dunno pain anger sadness, everthing not of God. And i shouldnt feel this way towards this person because i have the same stupid problem. instead of feeling like i'm not alone i feel disgusted. this person will hate me for being disgusted but i am and it makes me hurt and everthing is **** big lumps of flaming ****** ****! I've never hurt so bad. the same reason I hate myself with a passion is now part of this person whom i look up to. I feel like dying so bad that i want to take back everything i've ever said about NOT doing it. you know, the big IT that went away so long ago. the IT i was saved from by my friends that night at baker's house. OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAi feel like a ******** writing down the agonizing groans but what else aMI suposer to do? I can just say i hurt because i dont ust hurt, PART OF ME IS DYING. I tried calling jen about this because she always knows what to say and how to say it and i'm praying to God but i kept using these explitives as I prray and I hate myself more! This rewally might be the LAST post if i ever stop typing. i guess im hanging onto this keyboard for my life. If i let go i'm gooing to do it. I called and jen isnt picking up her cell and bsoitehothgiutI DONT KNOIW WHAT TO DO!i should take that big bottle rocket and light it in my mouth so that it blows my head off. the person is going to kill me for killing me over this but i cant help it I cant help it OR take it. I AHTE MY OWN GUTS for this reason and now they... i know that they... its the same. And I feel like my world is falling apart, like my life is peeling away from my soul. I'm dying LORD JESUS MAKE THE PAIN STOP. I NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING ,MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY HELP ME UNDERSTAND OR SOMETHING. i feel so.... evil. I feel like i'm satans puppet. but im human... im human and satans stupid little puppet. ITS 5AM and the birds are chirping.... i want to talk to jen... jenni helps... but jenni wont want to hear it. shell hate me more than I do.im watching everything die. everthing is brown and old. trees die, people die. my soul is going to die. the reason i continue to live hurt me. RUINED me.( i apoligize for the blasphamy here... not proud of it...)when my body dies my soul will NOT follow the lord, nor face his wrath, I'll simply CEASE to be. (end of blasphamy)i dont want to go to heaven without.... but i dont want to live right now either. I just want to have never been bornm. I'm done typing please PRAY FOR ME! ::!~ Trying to NOT TO KILL MY ******** ~!::
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