Mellenkahlee
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Thursday, January 15, 2004
Mornings away, Plastic coated pills, and padded, apple-green walls Zort from URL @ 1:37 AM I'm crazy. Everyone always says it, and I think they might be right. My stuffed bear has been talking to me recently, telling me to stop talking and let him do it for me. I love my roadbear and all but its starting to scare me. I find myself picking him up so he can give me noogies, and scrunch his face up. Actually HE'S not giving me noogies, but I'm holing his little paws, and letting him give me noogies. My sister threw him tonight, and I totaly freaked cuz I thought he mightve landed on his head and broken his neck. My bear has no neck but I thought he broke it anyway. I feel really bad writing about him like this, but maybe it's healthy to get these things out in the open. My parents are so fed up with me recently... I just want to get out. I want to go to Queens and see them. I want to start a new life where I can live without feeling useless. In fact I want to go without anyone knowing. Without spilling somone elses beans, I was informed by somebody that I'm loved. I enjoy this immensly. I'm not even going to try to write it out because I'll never finish. But for some strange reason, being happy and knowign that someone really loves me, isn't enough to want to live. I can't imagine not living, not being able to communicate with her anymore, not hearing her voice and knowing that that voice loves me... but I hurt all the time. I feel more broken than ever, and it all looks so freaking terrible. I'm in despair now, and there seems to be no way out. I look at her pictures and want to touch her skin. I want to kiss her spirit... but I can't. Her lofty heart isn't tangible. And now I want to die. Ben has a 22 under his matress... I keep thinking of that gun. But then I think of her, and I want to kiss her. I want to hold her hair in my fingers, and sink into her arms. I want to suffocate in her cloud of feminine being. Her beautifull eyes with deep brown lines, and her sharply cut nose made ever so carefully under perfect lighting. I want to die and never return. I want to place my fingers around her chin, and kiss life into her. Ineed those hands in mine. I want her soul to grace my forhead as we finaly know, that we're both in love with eachothers essence of being. I want a simple hug under a treehouse, and to be tackled by a trenchcoat-wearing, ballet-dancing, girl version of al capone. I someone to try shoving a pretty little ring, all too small, around my big fat fingers. Forget that part about dying, who the hell am I kdding? I have so much to look foward to. I can make anyone of those wants come true. But I DO need to visit NY... *ponder*
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