Mellenkahlee
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Thursday, March 16, 2006
Stupid... everything... Zort from URL @ 2:43 AM It's ok. I'm fine. Honestly, I've never felt better in my entrire life. Honestly, I do. That's what I'd like to be able to say. However, I am currently about to cry. To weep uncontrollably, for 50 years in a maximum security prison without possiblity of console. It all started with a dream I had two nights ago. Two nights ago being... the night of the thirteenth. It was a year from now, and I was living in some crappy apartment in like, PA or something. I had the night off of work, so I stayed in. Only when I "fell asleep" on the couch, I woke up in the 7-11 that was my employment. I was high, or drunk, or something, but not of my own free will. So when I obviously was of no use and the store had closed, my coworker (played by my Real life co-worker Joe Brunetto) decided to take me home, (WARNING: INCONSISTANCY WITH RL!) Only he took me to this meeting first. You know, to help me sober up or something. But it turned out to be a meeting for a program much like the one im looking for, (in real life) and my older sister, and Jenise were part of it. Mucho blurry dreaming untill like, 5-10 years had passed, and I reclaimed rememberance of my dream. I was still in that program, and even though I would most-likely not be interested in a long term relationship right now in RL, I was actively persuing Jen. I'm not sure why, or for what reason, or even for what circumstance (get the hint?) I would have felt this was a smart thing to do, but I was an adult. I was a grown up and it was my choice. Ok that is a lie as well. Have you ever dreamt that you were very very very attached to something you were not quite as attached to in RL? Well I was very much so that way with Jen. In fact I was crazy about her. So much so that in the very pit of my stomach, I felt like if she were to ever frown at me I'd become dehydrated from crying, not before I died from the sheer agony of it. I was a man obsessed. So eventually she finds this out after we have a fight. I was so emotionally distraught I thought I was dying. Only she smiled and said "ten percent of master's and we're engaged." This puzzled me to say the least. I was absoloutly bamboozled. I had just had my heart ripped out by her A: yelling at me for being selfish, and B: taking my notebook and finding what I had spilled on paper. Now she was talking about getting engaged (even if she had stated it in a way that nobody should EVER understand). So I was ecstatic, bursting with joy, tra-la-la. Now she was part of this dance ministry thingie, and right after the fight she had to go dance. So I went back to my room... the dream gets fuzzy again... About a month later the whole group is gathered around, and she's doing the dance thing. We have a talk, and I realize that shes holding something back. I ask what it is, and eventually she tells me that she cant leave Master's. Not that she won't but that she just plain can't. Like, this is now her life. And I kinda get confused, utill I realize what she's saying is that she doesnt want to get married, either. I throw everything she said back in her face, tear up some paper (which was supposed to be something important, only I cant remember what it was) and tell her (yell at her) that she cant have children and be a mommy like shes always talking about if she doesnt have a husband. Then she realizes that she must not really want kids that much, but that she just wants to be a mommy, and that the feeling will eventually go away, and that it was just a phase, and what she's really meant to do is to is dance for master's commission. (WARNING! TIMO FLIPS OUT ROYALLY). I lost it. I was screaming, yelling, threatening her, screaming, crying, screaming, did I mention screaming? It was ugly. Then after some chain of events including (not in any particular order) praying, talking with Jen, talking with my family, talking with the program thingy, and crying, I decided (realized, was told... something like that) that what I was going to tell this story, my life, to people as a testimony. As a living. In the program thingy. >,< style="font-style: italic;">great. Not because I had just made self realization happen in my dream, but that that whole horrible mess with Jen wasn't REAL. It was over, in fact, it had never began! I was on top of the world. Until last night at becca's house. It hit me again. The fact that Jen actually does exist, and although it hadn't actually been her in the dream, I did have some regret of how the dream had gone. She really WAS in Michigan, and I couldn't pretend that she didnt exist anymore, like I had been doing since she left. Every now and then she calls, and we talk, and it's all hunky-dory, but after we talk, I pretend she doesnt exist, and I stop thinking about her entirely. On purpose. I know it's mean but it makes life easier. Every now and then, I remember that shes real, and it hurts a little. It hurts that shes not here, it hurts that shes not even in NY. It hurts that We dont' have the friendship that we used to, and It hurts that we aren't something more. Everything I've ever said to her comes rushing back, whether or not I was feeling like that before, It comes back. Only since the dream these little bouts of utter sadness haven't gone away. I'm sad mostly just because I can't just turn to my left and talk to her. But part of me hurts because that dream didnt go the way I thought it would, and well... I'm in the worst place emotionally than I have been in a very very long time. This was REALLY hard to write, and I assure you I'll try to push it all down into my psyche and bottle it up like i've been doing, But I just had to vent. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Semisomamorphic... Zort from URL @ 3:39 AM I should really not be online right now. My heart hurts and I don't know... If I stay on I might say something I probably shouldn't. But I also really don't want to go to sleep and ruin this perfectly good hour. Well, not perfectly good, but it's usable. I'll take what I can get. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Nothing important... Zort from URL @ 8:57 PM
::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Pride, power... Zort from URL @ 12:39 AM Wrote a song you can find on the Dear Jack, site. I actually think it shows a sense of poetry not found in my other songs so... yesh. I'm proud of it. The music that goes along with it is so dark and angry during the verses. Must play it for anyone who wants to hear it. Actually, I'm going to see if I can't record it as a .wav< and post it somewhere. I'm really proud of it. I found the string variation by removing my D string. Man I love it. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Dammit... Zort from URL @ 3:23 AM You know what? I just lost the post of me venting about not being people's friends anymore. In short, don't lie to me please. Don't spare my feelings. Don't sugarcoat it. In fact the more brutal it is the better I'll take it. At least then you're showing me respect. Then you're showing my feelings respect. You have all been lying. Stop. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Rip the internet a new one... Zort from URL @ 1:36 AM Ok, I'm going to spaz out on my blog so that i don't keep spazzing at Jenise. I'm kinda having an anxiety attack again. I'ts been a very long time since I last had one but man they come back with a religion, you know? Not that I'm coming back to religion like I was away or something, but the anxiety comes back with a reigion, or a passion. Okay. I had water, hope that helps. I wish I were allowed to talk about the real problems I feel. Ick, I want to but won't because I shouldn't, and i don't really want to. I only think that I do. Arg. Post. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Zort from URL @ 1:08 AM I do not like Country music but this song makes me laugh for all the right reasons. Darlin' I've been standin' here just watchin' you all night And I think I've even caught you watchin' me a couple times If I don't ask I'll never know This may sound dumb, but here we go Do you believe in love at first sight Me neither I'm glad that we agree Believe me That's a big relief Well, this place is awful crowded And this music is so loud Would you like to go and grab a bite to eat Me neither It's nice to finally meet a girl who doesn't move too fast I was only checkin', that's the reason that I asked Relationships need time to grow You and I should take this slow And darlin' tell me, would you like to dance Me neither I was just bein' polite Thank goodness My feet are much too tired I'm sure you're tired too I can see an empty booth Would you like to maybe sit and talk a while Me neither We'd never get along I'm thinkin' there's no chemistry at all This has been a waste of time And I'm runnin' outta lines Don't you think it's time for me to end this song Me neither ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Roll over to give you a better shot at my guts... Zort from URL @ 11:36 PM Everyone knows that I'm a big brother. God made my soul with the intent to guard. I have big brother syndrome and I'll probably die of it one of these days. I want to make things better for everyone. The only thing is, I can only seem to do that at my own expense. Now for the longest time I've found it difficult to get hurt for others, but I'm learning to take one for the team. I can offer myself to others as a shield, a sword, an ally, or sometimes a fortress in which they can feel safe, to talk and let it out. I've also learned that sometimes my help isn't wanted... even if it's needed. Those I'm trying to help might turn the dagger to my throat and threaten me, while others let the blade cut. Some may land a crushing blow to my chin, but it's okay, because I still have my cheek, nose, eyes, and ears. If need be you can take them as well. I won't go away. You can't stop me from trying to help, and no one ever will. I can only hope that the Lord gives me his own strength to continue the way I've been going in that department... and that he will turn me towards the correct path when it comes to the selfish life I've been leading these past few months. I supose what I mean to say is, "Go on and hit, me. I offer you my face to beat. Hit me as many times as you can. In doing so you only help me show you the love I've been given. You can only push me closer to God." I apologize for the awful grammar and syntax in this post but I'm tired and well... beat up. But I'll stay. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Ugh... Zort from URL @ 1:55 PM I've begun to feel very ill over this. Like absurdly sick. I feel my insides pulling apart. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Zort from URL @ 12:25 PM There are about a million things that I'm thinking, but i don't think that I should say any of them. All I really know for sure is I hate everything. Everything and everyone. She had to go and acknowledge that theres a problem. Why can't anyone just supress feelings like they should? It wouldnt've been so bad if I'd just been told from the begining. Told that there isn't anything there anymore. I didn't want to make things akward. All I wanted was to make the most of the little time I had. And it's not like I tried to stare, I was tired and seriously was doubting weather or not she was really there, or if I was dreaming again. Everyone knows that I adore Anberlin. Like, ONE OF MY FAVORITE BANDS. But when I SAY that I would rather just STAY NEAR someone else rather than see them preform, I would rather not have that person tell me to go away. I only wanted to be close to them, and they told me over and over again to go away. Ok, now I'm letting it out. First thing wrong, Pretending I wasn't talking when I was. Second thing, Turning so I couldnt even hug them. Third thing, Going out of the way to talk to complete strangers rather than be near me. Fourth, Telling me to go away, and see my band when I OBVIOUSLY want to stay. Fifth, Telling me to go mosh when I DONT LIKE TO MOSH, just so that they can watch Relient K without me bothering them. Why do I keep saying "THEM" anyway? I mean Jenise. Jenise was a jerk. It's not exactly like I get to see her everyday, and it's definatly not like I was going to see her again anytime soon. Well, it's not like I'd want to anymore anyway. Don't talk to me, ANYONE. Let me be. I always have been better off alone. I'm a loner, it's what I do best. All I really know for sure is I hate everything. Everything and everyone. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Purple Misplacement... Zort from URL @ 7:10 PM Purple Door was the great... except I've never felt as sad or misplaced as I did on Saturday. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Ahhh, that was subtle... Zort from URL @ 8:36 PM Where to start... hmmm. Well I woke up today around 7:PM, and I have decided that I must get my hair cut sometime really soon. I feel like i have a small creature living on my scalp. Renee, Joseph, Mary, and I went out to eat at "outta the way" lastnight. Wow I've never been so stuffed before in all my life. I had dinner at my house right before we left so it didnt take long before I felt like puking. OH, and THEN I had to poo! So i went into the little boy's room, and there were shoes facing the toilet in the stall. The ONLY stall. So I went outside to wait for it. after waiting for nearly 45 minutes, I decided I didn't have to subject myself to such a wait, and I sat back down at the table. I told them of my predicament, and they didn't believe me. I mean who would? that guy was spending all night pissing! Joseph said he'd check for me in a few minutes, and eventually the bathroom cleared. I made like a bullet to the toilet. The good news was that since I had waited so long I no longer felt like puking. I'd love to play a computer game, but I can't because the bandwidth is being hogged at the moment. Hence, I am writing about poo. I took a quiz that was to determine what sense of humor I had. My results were - 87% Dark, 34% complex, 11% vulgar. I don't think it was a very accurate quiz. I would've thought I was more spontaneous than complex, and ALOT more vulgar. Anywho, I don't care what KIND of humor it is as long as I can make people pay for me *cough* I mean laugh at me. It's hard work being this funny, I can't just talk all day and make people laugh. It takes a certain amount of... gas. I mean subtlety. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Zort from URL @ 12:00 AM Captain's log: 16538/Starbux After a long voyage we have arrived at our destination, the Starbux system. Captain's log: 16539/Starbux We are now entering the Starbux reigon known as Kashier, in hopes to rescue the Frigate "FS The Biscuit" from hostile forces. Captain's log: 16540/Starbux The mission has failed! We cannot retrieve the ship from the enemy Koffee. The structural integrity of The Biscuit has been comprimised! I hate caffiene. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
The Taming Of The Who... Zort from URL @ 6:54 PM This is so awful. Both of my best friends are away from their homes. Ben's at boot & basic for the army national guard, and Jenni's at her LEAP program in VA from which she will leave for Africa. ROAR. I don't get to see Ben for 5 or six months, and I cant talk to Jen untill august 7th. I saw "10 Things I Hate About You" at Aaron's party last night, and it's actually not a half bad movie. I mean I didn't like JC's annoying comments through the whole thing, but even though I was watching a chick flick with my boys it was still fun. I think the only reason it really appealed to me is that the whole movie is based on William Shakespeare's "The Taming Of The Shrew." It occured to me that I know the shrew in person... ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
Nostalgiac Stars... Zort from URL @ 12:30 AM Oh wow, I didnt think i'd get this Emo, weird, sad/depressed, or akward just by going back and reading old emails and stuff. I remember every sight feeling I've had since I turned 15. I remember how I wanted to kill myself. I remember WHY I wanted to kill myself. I remember how girls lost their cooties. I remember falling in lust, falling in like, and finally falling in love. I remember close to everything I ever said to her. I remember that thanksgiving when I spilled my guts. I remember being shot down like so many turkeys the following thanksgiving. I remember butting in where I wasn't wanted or needed, and messing something up for her. I remember every "Oh hi Timmy, I thought it was somebody else. I was waiting for their call". I remember everything. I remember being passionate for God. I remember being passionate for her and her honor. I remeber all those things I fought for and lost. I remember the heartache, do I EVER remember the heartache. Hmm, forgot about her. lol. I remember thinking that it was all lost. I remember getting it back, and then losing it for good. I remember... that which I can't type, because it hurts a little too much to fully recall for you. =/ Ohhhh ouch that one hurts, I wish I could forget it. I wish more than anything that I never said anything, that I said goodbye before I said hello, that I never said "I love you" and thereby falling into a hole I cannot get out of, and that I never heard about her. But I did, I have, I will, and I still love. I guess... I guess I can't live without all of what I've just written down. I felt all that, and most of it hurt... But it hurt so good. ::!~ Trying to Smile ~!::
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